Comment by u/speedwagonfan69

**Chapman:** Trouble at mill.
**Cleveland:** Oh no – what kind of trouble?
**Chapman:** One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
**Cleveland:** Pardon?
**Chapman:** One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treadle.
**Cleveland:** I don’t understand what you’re saying.
**Chapman:** \[slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent\] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle.
**Cleveland:** Well what on earth does that mean?
**Chapman:** \*I\* don’t know – Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that’s all – I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

\[JARRING CHORD\]

\[The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain \[Palin\] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles \[Jones\] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang \[Gilliam\] is just Cardinal Fang\]

**Ximinez:** NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and ruthless efficiency…. Our \*three\* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…. Our \*four\*…no… \*Amongst\* our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

\[The Inquisition exits\]

**Chapman:** I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

\[JARRING CHORD\]

\[The cardinals burst in\]

**Ximinez:** NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms – Oh damn!
\[To Cardinal Biggles\] I can’t say it – you’ll have to say it.
**Biggles:** What?
**Ximinez:** You’ll have to say the bit about ‘Our chief weapons are …’
**Biggles:** \[rather horrified\]: I couldn’t do that…

\[Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again\]

**Chapman:** I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

\[JARRING CHORD\]

\[The cardinals enter\]

**Biggles:** Er…. Nobody…um….
**Ximinez:** Expects…
**Biggles:** Expects… Nobody expects the…um…the Spanish…um…
**Ximinez:** Inquisition.
**Biggles:** I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect –
**Ximinez:** Our chief weapons are…
**Biggles:** Our chief weapons are…um…er…
**Ximinez:** Surprise…
**Biggles:** Surprise and —
**Ximinez:** Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there – stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! … our chief weapons are surprise…blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
**Fang:** You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. ‘My old man said follow the–‘
**Biggles:** That’s enough.
\[To Cleveland\] Now, how do you plead?
**Clevelnd:** We’re innocent.
**Ximinez:** Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

\[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER\]

**Biggles:** We’ll soon change your mind about that!

\[DIABOLICAL ACTING\]

**Ximinez:** Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless– \[controls himself with a supreme effort\] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal — the rack!

\[Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger\]

**Ximinez:** You….Right! Tie her down.

\[Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack\]

**Ximinez:**Right! How do you plead?
**Clevelnd:** Innocent.
**Ximinez:** Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack \[oh dear\] give the rack a turn.

\[Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders\]

**Biggles:** I….
**Ximinez:** \[gritting his teeth\] I \*know\*, I know you can’t. I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
**Biggles:** I…
**Ximinez:** It makes it all seem so stupid.
**Biggles:** Shall I…?
**Ximinez:** No, just pretend for God’s sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

\[Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack\]

(sources: [https://people.csail.mit.edu/paulfitz/spanish/script.html](https://people.csail.mit.edu/paulfitz/spanish/script.html), Monty Python’s Flying Circus S2E1)